If ever you were to record conversations that my husband and I have on a regular basis...you would probably hear one of two topics...either Africa and our desire to be back there....or babies and our desire to start a family in the near future! Both of these topics separately make my heart smile in huge ways!!!
I am so very excited for the moment when God has opened every door perfectly and my husband and I board a plane for Southern Sudan!! I can't wait to be back in Africa, to be snuggling sweet African babies, to be reaching out to poor widows, and just to be loving on God's people in a huge way!! I can't wait!!
I have dreamed since I was a little girl about being a Mommy!! Christopher and I talk alot about home birth and the idea that birth doesn't have to be such a stressful ordeal. I can't wait for the day when the Lord blesses us with our very own little baby! I can't wait to look into their precious eyes and know that God knit them together perfectly in my womb! I can't wait to see my big strong protective husband holding our tiny little seconds old baby!! I can't wait!!
And while my heart loves both of things separately there has been a place in my heart that has been holding on to a deep dark fear, what happens if this two amazing dreams of mine collide? What happens if I get pregnant and then the Lord opens the doors for us to go to Sudan? What happens if I have to deliver my baby in Africa? What does that look like? What if there are complications? They don't have the best medical care over there?! WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? These questions have haunted me! My sweet husband has listed several different options over the last few weeks, we could travel to Uganda where the hospitals are better, we could go to Italy and stay there for about a month around the birth of the baby, we could come back to the US if we absolutely needed to. Every time we talked about it my fear grew more and more....to the point where I even told myself that it might be best if we put off starting our family right away (something that I really don't want to do). I was living in fear of the future, of the unknown. That is...until.....
This morning when my husband and I went to church. There is something amazingly sweet about worshiping the Lord with your husband by your side! We sang several songs and I was just singing and praising Him....just like every other Sunday......until the Pastor's wife gets up and shares this story about a brown recluse spider in their house and how she was so afraid of it that she couldn't even sleep. Finally she got to the point where she said...what is the WORST that can happen? I could get bit and my skin could rot and fall off. But that won't necessarily happen...it’s just the worst case scenario. She goes on to talk about things in life that we are often afraid of, but that the Lord is just asking us to trust Him on. And most of the time, those risks that we are SO afraid of are just worst case scenarios, not necessarily what WILL happen if we take that step of faith. She continued speaking (I am sure she said some good, powerful stuff) but all I could hear was the sweet small whisper of my Savior:
"Do you trust me? Do you trust me with your future children? Do you trust me? What's the worst that can happen? Your baby could die an earthly death and live in eternity with me. But that's worst case scenario, remember? Do you trust your husband that he will only take the risks that I ask him to take? Do you trust me? Or will you live in this fear? This fear of the unknown, this fear of losing a child"
I squeezed my husband’s hand a little bit tighter. My God was really asking me to do this! To not only take the step of faith and go to Africa with my husband, but also to trust Him with the perfect timing and location of the birth of our future child(ren)! The worship band began to play again....
"We lift up our eyes,
lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes,
lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life "
....(my eyes filled with tears).....He IS the giver of life! He can do anything that He desires...He is God! He is love! He is good!
And I trust Him completely! And I trust my husband completely to listen to the voice of God! So whether our baby is born in Africa, in Italy, in America or even Antarctica, as long as we are following in the footsteps of the Lord, I WILL NOT FEAR!!!
(Side note: To the best of our knowledge we are not currently pregnant, but we know that it is something we both desire in the near future!) “
This made me think of Proverbs 16:9- "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines His steps". It is a beautiful thing to rest in that, knowing that our Heavenly Father has the best plan. I just can't help thinking about how he perfectly brought you and Christopher together in His timing! That same God will be faithful in guiding all of your steps- in His perfect timing. And He will give you the strength for whatever difficulties those steps might bring. Thanks for always sharing your heart, Em! You are a gift in so many ways- praying that God will bless you abundantly (as he is already doing!!! :) ).
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