Many people have asked to hear the birth story of our newest bundle and to be honest, I have been hesitant to share, not because it isn't beautiful and we didn't receive an amazing blessing from it, but because it clearly shows my raw human side. It shows me trying to handle things on my own and in my own strength, rather than leaning on God to be my source of strength. The more I have thought and processed things the last few weeks since Maddie's birth, the more I feel like I am supposed to share her birth story openly and the lessons that I learned from it. I need to be honest though and tell you that these lessons are hard to share, because I had dreams of the way things were supposed to go during her birth....and it went much different!
Two weeks before Maddie was born, on a Sunday night, my contractions started and I thought for sure, that just like Makayla's birth, I would fall asleep and wake up at some point with stronger contractions and she would be born the next day. But I went to bed that Sunday night and woke up Monday morning to nothing happening. That trend continued for several nights. Thursday & Friday of that week the contractions grew very strong and close together leaving me thinking both days that we were indeed going to have our little girl that day. Friday night after talking to our midwife we decided to go to the hospital, we needed conformation that she wasn't breech or there weren't any other complications. We basically spent a couple hours at the hospital for them to think we were crazy for having a home birth and for them to confirm she was head down, but that I was only 3 cm dialated. We were sent home, a little discouraged that I was not further along, but relieved that a home birth was still very much the route we were going to take since we now knew for sure she was in a good position and everything looked great!
In the middle of the night that Friday night I started running a fever, and knew I had a sinus infection! I started pumping extra vitamins, was drinking as much as I could and resting a lot! By Sunday my fever had not broken, but my contractions were strong and close together! My fever kept rising and I began to wonder if I would have the strength to deliver a baby being as sick as I was. Christopher was monitoring me and baby very closely and by mid-afternoon Maddie's heart rate began to rise a little more than we were comfortable with so he started an IV on me to get fluids in me. After the whole bag of fluids and no change in baby or I, we decided we would once again venture to the hospital. This time I was very scared that since I was so sick and her heart rate was high that I would end up having a c-section. After another 2 liters of fluids, a negative flu test, and an antiobotic for my sinus infection; my contractions slowed, I finally stopped shivering, the fever dropped, Maddie's heart rate returned to normal and we were sent home again! I felt relived believing that there was still a possibility that I would get my dream home water birth!
For the next 2 weeks I had contractions on and off, they would build up a little and then taper off. I was able to attend my family's extended Christmas party, Christmas Eve service, celebrate Christmas Day with family, and go to a friend's baby shower....all things I had left open ended because I didn't know when our sweet girl was going to come! My due date came and went, however the next day things began to pick up again and by bedtime I was certain that instead of sleeping that night I was going to deliver a baby!!!
My contractions really picked around 10 PM on December 29th and continued to progress and get stronger. We timed contractions, filled up the birthing tub, prepared ourselves (as much as one can) for our dream home water birth to become a reality. By about 2 am the fear inside of me began to grow. I remembered Makayla's birth and how she didn't want to drop into the birth canel. I thought of so many complications that could be going wrong. I was worried because my water hadn't broken...what if something was wrong and we just didn't know it. Christopher tried to reassure me that everything was ok, the baby's heart rate was good and steady, my heartrate and bloodpressue and everything was normal, there was really nothing to worry about. I doubted him...I feared the worst...I didn't stop and pray (like we had during Makayla's birth when things got rough)...I just let fear take control and convienced myself that something was wrong. At around 3:30 in the morning on December 30th I told Christopher we needed to go to the hospital. He knew everything was okay, there were no signs that anything was wrong with the baby or me, but he also knew I was panicing and he needed to be the supportive husbnad. So we packed up our bags, I crawled to the top of the stairs screaming with the contractions, managed to get into the car and off we went to the hospital.
We arrived at the hospital at 4:22 am, Christopher went in to get me a wheelchair, we got to the desk and they sent me back right away. They got me on the bed to check me and the nurse goes, she is 10 cm with a buldging bag, we need to go now!! They rushed me to the delivery room, got me into the other bed and asked if I wanted to push. The first push was bag which they proceeded to break, the second was her head, followed by shoulders on the third and everything else on the fourth push. Madison Grace Mullins was born at 4:32 am, a mere 10 minutes after arriving at the hospital.
I struggle with telling her story, because I know that I could have done it at home, I had the strength and the ability to deliver her at home like we had planned, but I paniced. My husband didn't get the joy of delivering his second little girl, like he did with Makayla. We missed out on the quiet intimate delivery and instead got the rush and craziness of a hosptial. Unlike the birth center where we could relax and go home when we wanted, we were shipped off to the Mommy and Baby ward where we were bothered a lot, checking vitals, nurses, food delivers, lactation services and had to fight tooth and nail to be discharged after 24 hours. It is hard for me to look back on the day of her delivery and not picture all of these things. Please hear me, I LOVE my girl and am so thrilled that she is here and healthy and all is well, but her birth story just didn't go as planned and I blame myself for that. I freaked out and doubted my ability to handle the labor, I didn't trust that my husband knew what he was doing and could completely handle her delivery and most of all I didn't lean on Christ to be my source of strength.
Christopher has forgiven me and has been so gracious about the whole situation. I am still working on and struggling through forgiving myself. I feel as if I let a lot of people down that day - our midwife from Texas who assured me throughout the whole pregnancy that we could handle a home birth on our own, my husband who didn't get the chance to deliver his baby, my daughter who's birth story will never be what I dreamed it would be, myself for not believing I could handle it and God for not trusting that He could pull me through. Some people may read this and think I am crazy for feeling this way, afterall I did deliver her all naturally without any drugs and she is still healthy and all is well, but for me the healing process of not having my dream birth is still painful.
So there you have it, the birth of our sweet girl, our Madison Grace, our mini M & M! We love her and are beyond thrilled that she is the beautiful addition to our family.
